Bitter sweet

This might suck for the people reading it so beware. My life is completely upside down right now. I will spare the details even thought David wants them out there so that the truth is known. Bottom line... I am getting a divorce. David wants the truth out because the way he let me know we were over, left people thinking things he denies. (Anyone watch Jon and Kate plus 8??) Yes, David did cheat on me but he swears not to the full extent. He has decided to leave me and his little girls to try things with Carrie again. For those who don't know who she is, that is Faith's mom. No, I didn't see it coming. No, I would have never guessed and no, I do not want this to happen. We were having problems and had agreed to separate so we could work things out without the constant tension but he had already begun their relationship so it was over long before I knew. I DO NOT want anyone to have bad feelings toward him or say anything negative about him. As stupid as it sounds I am still in love with him and it hurts me to hear those things. I think he is making a mistake and he has ruined so many things for me but I will always love him. Yeah, I know....stupid! He is doing a good job about seeing or calling my girls and so far is agreeing to be very fair as far as our debts go.(most of which is in my name) I can only pray that he will continue to do those things as it is in the best interest of our children. Hmm so much for sparing details:) Anyway..........

Now for the sweet part of this bitter post.....drum roll please.....In about 12 hours from now I will be at the Billings Temple receiving my endowments. Jessica will be my escort. I wanted LInda there but I thought it would be fun to surprise her. She just thinks she is going to Billings with me to get away so if you see this as soon as it posts, don't tell!!! I am so confused with everything happening right now it is hard to focus on tomorrow but I am so excited. I have turned around a lot of things in my life for this. Not that I was really all that bad but I have made a lot of progress. I still have suuuuuch a long way to go but I am on the right track. I know this is the right thing to do and I need it right now more than ever. I need to be a strong example for my daughters and that terrifies me. I am so afraid of failing them. I have a strong testimony of the gospel. I know that my savior lives and cares for me. This whole experience raised a lot of questions in my mind but my faith never faltered. In the same breath of asking "why" I knew there was a reason and someday I would know. I keep praying to realize what I am supposed to learn. I have so much support and have been given a lot of advice from people who have been in my shoes. There is something I need to learn and we all knew there would be trials and pain in this life and we all decided to do it because we knew what was waiting for us should we stay worthy. Hmm I think I did a good job of listening to peoples advice(Wendy and Jason):) I can't thank Raichel and Jessica enough for all they have put up with in the last 10 days. There are so many others who are there for me, Milisa, Jon and Linda, My parents, pretty much everyone from both sides of our familes etc., but those two were with me constantly either at work or at my house.(not to detract from the support of the others) I am so grateful to have people in my life who care about me and will be there to get me back on my feet. I know going to the temple tommorrow will bring so much peace into my life right now and I need that more than anything. Please pray for ALL of us that things will work out as smoothly as possible. I am going to need a lot of help from my Heavenly Father during all of this.

I hope this didn't freak anyone out and just remember...I will survive, and I am headed in the right direction:)

Whoops! I forgot.

Sorry!! It has been so long since I have been able to blog I almost forgot that I CAN!! Update- My mom is doing better, she had another heart attack the other day and had to go back and have another stent put in. That makes two stents and a triple bypass now. Hmmm bioninc woman ring a bell? Anyways, she is home again and doing fine. Thanks you for your prayers and concern...I KNOW it helped!!! Not much else has happened in our boring lives. Faith is with us for a few weeks and then she will go back for a bit and then with us again for a while. We sure love having her here. Jadalie is sounding more and more like a "big kid" it's crazy. I ask her if she wants things and she says, "Yeah, sure." like she is 15!! She told me the other day that she is complicated. I have no idea what that meant.....guess she's right:) When she gets sent to her room for crying and throwing a fit, she will come out with a cheesy grin and say, "I'm smilin' and happier!" alll through clenched teeth. Too cute. Annalyn has figured out how to throw a fit. Great! It's still cute. She makes me smile all the time, even when she is naughty. She is the BEST kid to put to bed. You lay her in her crib and it's lights out. That is one of those things you NEVER take for granted and are thankful for each and every night. Hmmm thats about it. I will try to get new posts up at least three times a week from now on, promise!

p.s. There are some blogs I can't get into anymore since I switched my info back to our normal email and all of that. So if you are private and would still like to let me peek into your life....umm well I don't know what it is exactly you do to allow me access......but please do it ha ha!